Part of the pain of facing your life's choices is watching your children handle life. If you were an exceptional parent and did your job 100%, then you are probably enjoying the view. However, for those that did not do that, and brother, there are lots of them out there, it is a constant rewind to see where you failed.
My worst fear when I started so many years ago, putting my life in order and facing the reality of where I had been, was the fact that at some point, I was going to have to see my children struggle. Just sit back and watch what their reactions were to life's many challenges. All of them struggled. All of them have faced tough situations and have handled them differently. My son, challenged in ways that many people would give up on, has walked through the fire and is emerging on the other side. He is fine tuned and is grabbing hold of God's hand and moving forward.
His determination to be a whole human being is inspiring. A human being that will look in the mirror everyday without the guilt and with the knowledge that he is doing everything possible to be a great husband, dad and man. I wish I were closer to him so I could hug his neck. We share many good qualities in our personalities. Qualities like strength, determination, a strong will and the belief that God is the only way to happiness in this life. I have been so proud of him. I know that he will never just stop trying. He will continue to grow and to become the man he so desperately wants to be.
My oldest daughter has also walked through many trials. She has cried and screamed and fought her way through. I think she has figured out the basics, but I think she is facing the ghosts of her mistakes. She is finding that because she made some stupid mistakes, now she has to relearn how to function in the "normal" way. She wants to be the best mom and the best woman she can be. She just needs to keep on trudging through the crap and not give up. I don't actually think she would, but I think it is harder for her to stay positive. Being a single mom, she has the weight of the world all on her.
She knows that God is the answer to her failing. She has come a long way and I believe she will get there. She is strong and also has many of my good qualities. She loves her kids and to me is a great mom. She is at every ball game and practice and maintains her focus on those kids. I commend her for the job she has done so far.
My youngest daughter is yet another story. At 25, she is basically not getting the depth of the program. She says she is, but it would appear that is a farce. She is making decisions and creating loyalty with people who have no concept of the meaning of the word. She is a mother from the lips out and prefers her friends to her family. Though the friends she supposedly goes out of the way for, are never around when she needs a friend. However, that would not stop her from dialing my phone number and asking for help. I don't have a problem with that, except I won't accept bad treatment because her life is not going right. By the time she gets to me, she is usually angry and frustrated and I couldn't do enough if my life depended on it. I think she has much road to cover before she gets to the level of using her common sense and making better choices.
Meanwhile, I am glad to be older and wiser. That is the beauty of getting older. If you made bad choices and caught it in time, you have gained much wisdom. Once you face those choices and do your best to make amends and go through the forgiveness phase, your life works out.
You use that wisdom to help you through the "stand by and watch" times that you are going to go through with your grown children. I want all of my children to recover from my choices and to make their lives work well. I want them to be happy and to be productive humans. I want their children to be happy and educated and meaningful in this world. Standing by and watching comes with a lot of pressure. God's gift to me has been the ability to do that with a small amount of grace and a positive attitude. I put my children and grandchildren in his hands everyday with the hope of seeing their lives move forward.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Does It Mean Feeling Guilty All The Time?
I had several comments sent to me about my second to the last post. I guess I should clarify myself. When I recognized that something was definitely out of kilter with me, and I realized that it was old baggage coming back to haunt me, I knew I had to get on a different path.
I knew I could just ignore the fact that I had let my children grow up by themselves and the fact that I had chosen their dad over them. I also knew that if I just talked to myself enough, I could absolve the guilt I was feeling over the several years of neglect. No work really involved in denial. Just lie to yourself. Tell yourself, you didn't do anything bad, you were the best you could be and tell yourself that no matter the damage, the kids are grown and they will figure it out.
After all, they can't keep blaming me for their troubles...get over it...grow up....right? Yea, that sounded pretty good at the time. I told myself those things. I attempted to ignore the reality and go on with life. No, that was not me. Even though, from experience, I realized that yes they were grown and needed to get over their obviously screwed up childhood, I also knew that if I chose to ignore what they needed from me, I would fight seeing the truth over and over again.
They were struggling with issues caused my me and their dad and our decisions. Granted you can't take it back and at some point, they have to discard the baggage themselves, yet, for me, just standing by and telling them to do it and get over it, didn't sit well with me. As a mother, I felt I should grow up and be their mother. Not resign myself to letting them do it alone. After all, you don't stop being a mother when your kids hit a certain age. Our kids need us to continue to be mothers. At each stage of their lives, they need a shoulder to cry on, a place for understanding and truth and someone who cares enough to say it out loud.
I don't walk around anymore feeling like I have to help my kids so they will love me. I don't sit around feeling like I will never be good enough. When I decided to repair the relationship with my children, I knew that it was going to be a challenge. I knew that not only were we all pretty dysfunctional to start with, we we all immature. That would mean my kids would be loaded for bear. They would be trying to use whatever means necessary to see if I would fall again. Tests and attitudes would be the norm in the beginning. I knew also that I was vulnerable to running back to my shell of my past. Too scared to face the next test and not sure where it all, was actually going to get me
I knew I wanted it, but was I willing to stand my ground and fight for it? I was.
After the first round of apologies and attempts to make up for it, I realized that I had to move to the next step. The ground standing part. The OK, I have said I am sorry many times. I have allowed you to beat on me, take all I could offer and look at me crazy, now I am finished with that. I will not apologize anymore. I will not be beat on anymore. I have taken the punishment you have dished out. Let's move forward.
That sounded good right? Well, 8 years later it is good. I don't accept any snide remarks anymore and honestly there have not been any. It took each one different amounts of time to accept it and to move on. It took many tears and many hugs. Lots of talking and lots of biting my tongue. Like any good plan, in order for it to work, you have to be moving forward all the time.
Getting where we are today, took years. We started at the bottom and kept looking up. If you are truly working on getting to a good place with your kids, you have to be willing to accept your part of the blame. You have to accept it and then move on. You can't allow blame to stay in the process.
If your children don't want to let go of blaming you, you are at a stalemate. You have to have everyone's cooperation to make it work like mine did. Not pushing is key. Let them make the effort to resolve it. You can only do what YOU can do. They have to participate. My children realized they were grown and as such had to accept who they were and deal with their issues as adults.
My grown children were all willing participants. They wanted a relationship with me as much as I wanted one with them. We craved what we had lost and were, without saying it, ready to begin. One at a time, over lots of time.
I have to always thank God when I look back. The prayers I prayed so many times through the years have been answered. They were answered many times over. I love the relationships I have with them now. I am proud of who they are becoming and hope to live many years to be a part of their lives. I don't live in the guilt anymore.
I knew I could just ignore the fact that I had let my children grow up by themselves and the fact that I had chosen their dad over them. I also knew that if I just talked to myself enough, I could absolve the guilt I was feeling over the several years of neglect. No work really involved in denial. Just lie to yourself. Tell yourself, you didn't do anything bad, you were the best you could be and tell yourself that no matter the damage, the kids are grown and they will figure it out.
After all, they can't keep blaming me for their troubles...get over it...grow up....right? Yea, that sounded pretty good at the time. I told myself those things. I attempted to ignore the reality and go on with life. No, that was not me. Even though, from experience, I realized that yes they were grown and needed to get over their obviously screwed up childhood, I also knew that if I chose to ignore what they needed from me, I would fight seeing the truth over and over again.
They were struggling with issues caused my me and their dad and our decisions. Granted you can't take it back and at some point, they have to discard the baggage themselves, yet, for me, just standing by and telling them to do it and get over it, didn't sit well with me. As a mother, I felt I should grow up and be their mother. Not resign myself to letting them do it alone. After all, you don't stop being a mother when your kids hit a certain age. Our kids need us to continue to be mothers. At each stage of their lives, they need a shoulder to cry on, a place for understanding and truth and someone who cares enough to say it out loud.
I don't walk around anymore feeling like I have to help my kids so they will love me. I don't sit around feeling like I will never be good enough. When I decided to repair the relationship with my children, I knew that it was going to be a challenge. I knew that not only were we all pretty dysfunctional to start with, we we all immature. That would mean my kids would be loaded for bear. They would be trying to use whatever means necessary to see if I would fall again. Tests and attitudes would be the norm in the beginning. I knew also that I was vulnerable to running back to my shell of my past. Too scared to face the next test and not sure where it all, was actually going to get me
I knew I wanted it, but was I willing to stand my ground and fight for it? I was.
After the first round of apologies and attempts to make up for it, I realized that I had to move to the next step. The ground standing part. The OK, I have said I am sorry many times. I have allowed you to beat on me, take all I could offer and look at me crazy, now I am finished with that. I will not apologize anymore. I will not be beat on anymore. I have taken the punishment you have dished out. Let's move forward.
That sounded good right? Well, 8 years later it is good. I don't accept any snide remarks anymore and honestly there have not been any. It took each one different amounts of time to accept it and to move on. It took many tears and many hugs. Lots of talking and lots of biting my tongue. Like any good plan, in order for it to work, you have to be moving forward all the time.
Getting where we are today, took years. We started at the bottom and kept looking up. If you are truly working on getting to a good place with your kids, you have to be willing to accept your part of the blame. You have to accept it and then move on. You can't allow blame to stay in the process.
If your children don't want to let go of blaming you, you are at a stalemate. You have to have everyone's cooperation to make it work like mine did. Not pushing is key. Let them make the effort to resolve it. You can only do what YOU can do. They have to participate. My children realized they were grown and as such had to accept who they were and deal with their issues as adults.
My grown children were all willing participants. They wanted a relationship with me as much as I wanted one with them. We craved what we had lost and were, without saying it, ready to begin. One at a time, over lots of time.
I have to always thank God when I look back. The prayers I prayed so many times through the years have been answered. They were answered many times over. I love the relationships I have with them now. I am proud of who they are becoming and hope to live many years to be a part of their lives. I don't live in the guilt anymore.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Fixing Me First
In my last post, I talked about fixing yourself before you try to repair a relationship with your children. As most people know, turning your attention to fixing yourself, can be a long process. There is no way to fix ourselves 100%. We just have to try to obtain a level of comfort and confidence in getting better than we were.
To do that, we have to look long and hard in the mirror.There is a poem called, "The Man In The Glass". The author is anonymous. I am reprinting it here because for 8 years, I have used this poem to put my life in the proper perspective.
To do that, we have to look long and hard in the mirror.There is a poem called, "The Man In The Glass". The author is anonymous. I am reprinting it here because for 8 years, I have used this poem to put my life in the proper perspective.
The Man In The Glass
Anonymous
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in you life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
This poem changed my life. It gave me the courage to look at me and see what wasn't working. It said to me that no matter where I came from, I had to choose responsibility and acceptance. Responsibility for what I had done and acceptance that I could not change one single thing that had happened before TODAY. If I had said it or done it, it was done.
Where to go from there? Only up! Up to being a woman and being sure that I could make it. I saw that I was much like the family that I had ignored for so long. Not perfect humans but real folks. People that had been tough and stood their ground, raised their families and survived more than I ever had. People with guts to look at their faults and to work on a continuing basis to be better. Never giving up was the key. No matter how hard repairing the relationship with my grown kids would be, I knew I was going to get it done. I refused to do less.
It was so worth it. Every time I heard a snide comment or was told I had given up my right to offer advice, I was more determined than ever. I would grit my teeth and say a prayer. One of many prayers throughout the last 8 years. Prayers to God that continually gave me the strength and hope to continue and to know that it was working like I was anticipating it would.
It was not easy. It was painful. It was frustrating. It was everything that my children had lived through when I chose not to be there for them. It was a great lesson in reality and in being a parent. I have never regretted living through the experience. What don't kill you makes you stronger is absolutely the right saying for the experience. Thank you God for bringing me through. It brought me back to my children as their mother whom they are gaining respect for everyday.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Bad Mothers & Fathers! What? No You Didn't.....Yes I did!
Are you or were you a BAD Father or Mother? I was. What makes someone "BAD" when it comes to being a parent? Is it spankings? Is it neglecting to hug them enough? Is is too many rules? Is it yelling at the kids? No.....those things don't necessarily make you a "BAD" parent. The things that made me a bad parent were not so obvious to start with.
I made sure my kids were clean and fed ( when we had food). I hugged them and told them I loved them. I cleaned the house, sent them to school and tried to help with homework. At first!. Then, because I so in love with their Dad, I became a horrible parent. I left them at home for hours on end. No they weren't little. My son was of legal age to babysit. That didn't make it right. I thought that if I didn't go to work with my husband(contractor), I wouldn't have money to pay bills. I thought I had to monitor him at the expense of my kids. That is why I was a bad parent. I stopped monitoring my children and transferred the mothering to my husband. With his drug and alcohol habits, I felt I had no other choice
Whether working on some construction project or hauling firewood, I felt the need to be there. I would get the kids up and send them to school, then go work with my husband until dark. Kids got themselves in after school and managed until we got home. BAD PARENT.....
When it got to the point of me giving up, I really became a "BAD" parent. I stopped trying to handle both worlds and just became obsessed with his. I let my children struggle because I couldn't cope anymore. I followed him around and they lost their mother for good.
All the motherly instincts in the world don't help a woman if you are consumed by something else. If you are not strong enough to stand up and stop the madness, your instincts become useless. My brothers description of the situation was either he is David Koresch or the best sex you ever had because he has you in his grips.
I laughed when they said it, but it was so true. I let him be more important than the kids. BAD PARENT.....
Looking back at the start of the failures in my life is hard. It makes me sad and angry that I let it happen. It makes me hurt for my children. The problem with that is, it wants to be all consuming. That is yet another failure if I allow that. To me, life is a series of tests. If you have the right tools, tests can be fairly simple. If you don't, they can be the devil. Because of my parent's lack of skills and failures, I didn't even have a tool box, much less tools. My method of handling being a parent, was poor at best. When I look at that, I know that tools make all the difference.
If my mom would have seen her own failures, she could have helped prepare me more. It wasn't fashionable back then, for a parent to admit doing wrong. You just accepted it and let life continue. I think she wanted to, but didn't know how. She died before she could find a way. Regardless, my life went the way it went. As I hear so much today, "It is what it is".
And like my dad used to say, "IF a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the ground". So IF is a useless word. Seeing my failures as they really are is reality. Seeing what really happened like rewinding a movie allows me to see what my kids lived through. It categorizes the times and shows me what they missed at each stage of their lives. Knowing those things gives me an idea of where I have to give extra now.
No, I don't walk around anymore saying to myself, "I am a failure, Boo Hoo......". I started this process about 8 years ago. I am getting better at it all the time. I still have sad moments, but I am happier than I have been in many years with my children and our relationship. The first years were brutal and trying to tell them anything was useless. I spent much more time showing them who I really was rather than trying to offer make up mothering sessions. They didn't want that. They wanted answers and they wanted action. A Show & Tell lifestyle.
After the apologies, more than once for awhile, came being humble yet firm, loving and revealing, and most of all honest and supportive. I had to find me, the real me before I did any of this. Just getting away from my ex husband didn't fix me. I spent much time before I started dealing with my kids, figuring out me. That is the most important part of the whole thing. You....Who are you? What are YOUR morals and feelings about life?
Are you sour with life? Are you negative, positive, what? WHO ARE YOU? That is the beginning...Get that on the right track and dealing with your kids can be the second hardest thing you do. Say your prayers, put on your bullet proof vest and hit life head on.
Come back and visit. Please leave a comment or a story or whatever you feel. Let's talk some more. If you have been where I have, I want to know. God Bless and Hang In There. Life gets better when you work at it.
I made sure my kids were clean and fed ( when we had food). I hugged them and told them I loved them. I cleaned the house, sent them to school and tried to help with homework. At first!. Then, because I so in love with their Dad, I became a horrible parent. I left them at home for hours on end. No they weren't little. My son was of legal age to babysit. That didn't make it right. I thought that if I didn't go to work with my husband(contractor), I wouldn't have money to pay bills. I thought I had to monitor him at the expense of my kids. That is why I was a bad parent. I stopped monitoring my children and transferred the mothering to my husband. With his drug and alcohol habits, I felt I had no other choice
Whether working on some construction project or hauling firewood, I felt the need to be there. I would get the kids up and send them to school, then go work with my husband until dark. Kids got themselves in after school and managed until we got home. BAD PARENT.....
When it got to the point of me giving up, I really became a "BAD" parent. I stopped trying to handle both worlds and just became obsessed with his. I let my children struggle because I couldn't cope anymore. I followed him around and they lost their mother for good.
All the motherly instincts in the world don't help a woman if you are consumed by something else. If you are not strong enough to stand up and stop the madness, your instincts become useless. My brothers description of the situation was either he is David Koresch or the best sex you ever had because he has you in his grips.
I laughed when they said it, but it was so true. I let him be more important than the kids. BAD PARENT.....
Looking back at the start of the failures in my life is hard. It makes me sad and angry that I let it happen. It makes me hurt for my children. The problem with that is, it wants to be all consuming. That is yet another failure if I allow that. To me, life is a series of tests. If you have the right tools, tests can be fairly simple. If you don't, they can be the devil. Because of my parent's lack of skills and failures, I didn't even have a tool box, much less tools. My method of handling being a parent, was poor at best. When I look at that, I know that tools make all the difference.
If my mom would have seen her own failures, she could have helped prepare me more. It wasn't fashionable back then, for a parent to admit doing wrong. You just accepted it and let life continue. I think she wanted to, but didn't know how. She died before she could find a way. Regardless, my life went the way it went. As I hear so much today, "It is what it is".
And like my dad used to say, "IF a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the ground". So IF is a useless word. Seeing my failures as they really are is reality. Seeing what really happened like rewinding a movie allows me to see what my kids lived through. It categorizes the times and shows me what they missed at each stage of their lives. Knowing those things gives me an idea of where I have to give extra now.
No, I don't walk around anymore saying to myself, "I am a failure, Boo Hoo......". I started this process about 8 years ago. I am getting better at it all the time. I still have sad moments, but I am happier than I have been in many years with my children and our relationship. The first years were brutal and trying to tell them anything was useless. I spent much more time showing them who I really was rather than trying to offer make up mothering sessions. They didn't want that. They wanted answers and they wanted action. A Show & Tell lifestyle.
After the apologies, more than once for awhile, came being humble yet firm, loving and revealing, and most of all honest and supportive. I had to find me, the real me before I did any of this. Just getting away from my ex husband didn't fix me. I spent much time before I started dealing with my kids, figuring out me. That is the most important part of the whole thing. You....Who are you? What are YOUR morals and feelings about life?
Are you sour with life? Are you negative, positive, what? WHO ARE YOU? That is the beginning...Get that on the right track and dealing with your kids can be the second hardest thing you do. Say your prayers, put on your bullet proof vest and hit life head on.
Come back and visit. Please leave a comment or a story or whatever you feel. Let's talk some more. If you have been where I have, I want to know. God Bless and Hang In There. Life gets better when you work at it.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The Beginning
The hardest thing to do is admit you did something wrong. Well if you did, then fess up. Why spend another minute dealing with guilt. I hate guilt. It is probably the biggest killer of spirit. If you walk around feeling guilty about something and don't speak up, your stomach hurts, you have headaches and other aggravating symptoms of discomfort.
I screwed up midway thru being a mother. When my children were born, I loved them very much. I was a good mother. Over the course of time, I became more concerned with their dad, than with them. I was such an enabler. I was so overwhelmingly in love and so barefoot stupid, along with the dysfunctional upbringing, I just dropped the ball. I gave up trying to change him and I joined him. I let my children down, I impacted their lives forever and I let myself down.
The changes I allowed them to experience determined the choices they would later make. I would later have to stand by and watch those choices that I taught them how to make. Talk about what comes around and goes around. That is a painful reality. Seeing your children struggle and knowing that it was part of your responsibility to teach them better and you didn't do it. It haunted me for so long. It made me blatantly aware of my many failures in life. Am I to be guilt ridden for the rest of my life?
Where does the healing begin? Does it begin? Yes, it had to for me. I would not accept anything less. I wasn't willing to live with the bad. I was determined that I would stand up and be the mother, my now grown children, should have had all along.
As in any healing process, the first step is admitting the failings to yourself and then to you children. The second step is getting a grip on that. After admitting, my hardest thing was finding the next step. My answer to that was prayer and God. Though I am not an extremely religious person, I am a great believer in God and the power that comes with that belief. I believe prayer is the most important tool we have in life. I have utilized it many, many times in the last 10 years.
You have to start in order to progress. If you start, you have to be strong enough to withstand the firestorm of anger that comes from your children. They have to accept your failures and forgive. They have to be willing to work through the pain with you. They have to accept that they are adults now and need to be proactive to solve baggage issues with you.
Love conquers many things with God's help. God conquers all the rest if you ask. I asked. Now 10 years down the road, things are much better. I am still working on things, but my relationship with my children is solid.
Have you questioned yourself as a parent. Work it out. It is important for you and your kids. If you failed, you can fix it. Let's talk.
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