Standing By And Watching

Part of the pain of facing your life's choices is watching your children handle life. If you were an exceptional parent and did your job 100%, then you are probably enjoying the view. However, for those that did not do that, and brother, there are lots of them out there, it is a constant rewind to see where you failed.

My worst fear when I started so many years ago, putting my life in order and facing the reality of where I had been, was the fact that at some point, I was going to have to see my children struggle. Just sit back and watch what their reactions were to life's many challenges. All of them struggled. All of them have faced tough situations and have handled them differently. My son, challenged in ways that many people would give up on, has walked through the fire and is emerging on the other side. He is fine tuned and is grabbing hold of God's hand and moving forward.

His determination to be a whole human being is inspiring. A human being that will look in the mirror everyday without the guilt and with the knowledge that he is doing everything possible to be a great husband, dad and man. I wish I were closer to him so I could hug his neck. We share many good qualities in our personalities. Qualities like strength, determination, a strong will and the belief that God is the only way to happiness in this life. I have been so proud of him. I know that he will never just stop trying. He will continue to grow and to become the man he so desperately wants to be.

My oldest daughter has also walked through many trials. She has cried and screamed and fought her way through. I think she has figured out the basics, but I think she is facing the ghosts of her mistakes. She is finding that because she made some stupid mistakes, now she has to relearn how to function in the "normal" way. She wants to be the best mom and the best woman she can be. She just needs to keep on trudging through the crap and not give up. I don't actually think she would, but I think it is harder for her to stay positive. Being a single mom, she has the weight of the world all on her.
She knows that God is the answer to her failing. She has come a long way and I believe she will get there. She is strong and also has many of my good qualities. She loves her kids and to me is a great mom. She is at every ball game and practice and maintains her focus on those kids. I commend her for the job she has done so far.

My youngest daughter is  yet another story. At 25, she is basically not getting the depth of the program. She says she is, but it would appear that is a farce. She is making decisions and creating loyalty with people who have no concept of the meaning of the word. She is a mother from the lips out and prefers her friends to her family. Though the friends she supposedly goes out of the way for, are never around when she needs a friend. However, that would not stop her from dialing my phone number and asking for help. I don't have a problem with that, except I won't accept bad treatment because her life is not going right. By the time she gets to me, she is usually angry and frustrated and I couldn't do enough if my life depended on it. I think she has much road to cover before she gets to the level of using her common sense and making better choices.

Meanwhile, I am glad to be older and wiser. That is the beauty of getting older. If you made bad choices and caught it in time, you have gained much wisdom. Once you face those choices and do your best to make amends and go through the forgiveness phase, your life works out.
You use that wisdom to help you through the "stand by and watch" times that you are going to go through with your grown children. I want all of my children to recover from my choices and to make their lives work well. I want them to be happy and to be productive humans. I want their children to be happy and educated and meaningful in this world. Standing by and watching comes with a lot of pressure. God's gift to me has been the ability to do that with a small amount of grace and a positive attitude. I put my children and grandchildren in his hands everyday with the hope of seeing their lives move forward.