Are you or were you a BAD Father or Mother? I was. What makes someone "BAD" when it comes to being a parent? Is it spankings? Is it neglecting to hug them enough? Is is too many rules? Is it yelling at the kids? No.....those things don't necessarily make you a "BAD" parent. The things that made me a bad parent were not so obvious to start with.
I made sure my kids were clean and fed ( when we had food). I hugged them and told them I loved them. I cleaned the house, sent them to school and tried to help with homework. At first!. Then, because I so in love with their Dad, I became a horrible parent. I left them at home for hours on end. No they weren't little. My son was of legal age to babysit. That didn't make it right. I thought that if I didn't go to work with my husband(contractor), I wouldn't have money to pay bills. I thought I had to monitor him at the expense of my kids. That is why I was a bad parent. I stopped monitoring my children and transferred the mothering to my husband. With his drug and alcohol habits, I felt I had no other choice
Whether working on some construction project or hauling firewood, I felt the need to be there. I would get the kids up and send them to school, then go work with my husband until dark. Kids got themselves in after school and managed until we got home. BAD PARENT.....
When it got to the point of me giving up, I really became a "BAD" parent. I stopped trying to handle both worlds and just became obsessed with his. I let my children struggle because I couldn't cope anymore. I followed him around and they lost their mother for good.
All the motherly instincts in the world don't help a woman if you are consumed by something else. If you are not strong enough to stand up and stop the madness, your instincts become useless. My brothers description of the situation was either he is David Koresch or the best sex you ever had because he has you in his grips.
I laughed when they said it, but it was so true. I let him be more important than the kids. BAD PARENT.....
Looking back at the start of the failures in my life is hard. It makes me sad and angry that I let it happen. It makes me hurt for my children. The problem with that is, it wants to be all consuming. That is yet another failure if I allow that. To me, life is a series of tests. If you have the right tools, tests can be fairly simple. If you don't, they can be the devil. Because of my parent's lack of skills and failures, I didn't even have a tool box, much less tools. My method of handling being a parent, was poor at best. When I look at that, I know that tools make all the difference.
If my mom would have seen her own failures, she could have helped prepare me more. It wasn't fashionable back then, for a parent to admit doing wrong. You just accepted it and let life continue. I think she wanted to, but didn't know how. She died before she could find a way. Regardless, my life went the way it went. As I hear so much today, "It is what it is".
And like my dad used to say, "IF a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the ground". So IF is a useless word. Seeing my failures as they really are is reality. Seeing what really happened like rewinding a movie allows me to see what my kids lived through. It categorizes the times and shows me what they missed at each stage of their lives. Knowing those things gives me an idea of where I have to give extra now.
No, I don't walk around anymore saying to myself, "I am a failure, Boo Hoo......". I started this process about 8 years ago. I am getting better at it all the time. I still have sad moments, but I am happier than I have been in many years with my children and our relationship. The first years were brutal and trying to tell them anything was useless. I spent much more time showing them who I really was rather than trying to offer make up mothering sessions. They didn't want that. They wanted answers and they wanted action. A Show & Tell lifestyle.
After the apologies, more than once for awhile, came being humble yet firm, loving and revealing, and most of all honest and supportive. I had to find me, the real me before I did any of this. Just getting away from my ex husband didn't fix me. I spent much time before I started dealing with my kids, figuring out me. That is the most important part of the whole thing. You....Who are you? What are YOUR morals and feelings about life?
Are you sour with life? Are you negative, positive, what? WHO ARE YOU? That is the beginning...Get that on the right track and dealing with your kids can be the second hardest thing you do. Say your prayers, put on your bullet proof vest and hit life head on.
Come back and visit. Please leave a comment or a story or whatever you feel. Let's talk some more. If you have been where I have, I want to know. God Bless and Hang In There. Life gets better when you work at it.
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