I had several comments sent to me about my second to the last post. I guess I should clarify myself. When I recognized that something was definitely out of kilter with me, and I realized that it was old baggage coming back to haunt me, I knew I had to get on a different path.
I knew I could just ignore the fact that I had let my children grow up by themselves and the fact that I had chosen their dad over them. I also knew that if I just talked to myself enough, I could absolve the guilt I was feeling over the several years of neglect. No work really involved in denial. Just lie to yourself. Tell yourself, you didn't do anything bad, you were the best you could be and tell yourself that no matter the damage, the kids are grown and they will figure it out.
After all, they can't keep blaming me for their troubles...get over it...grow up....right? Yea, that sounded pretty good at the time. I told myself those things. I attempted to ignore the reality and go on with life. No, that was not me. Even though, from experience, I realized that yes they were grown and needed to get over their obviously screwed up childhood, I also knew that if I chose to ignore what they needed from me, I would fight seeing the truth over and over again.
They were struggling with issues caused my me and their dad and our decisions. Granted you can't take it back and at some point, they have to discard the baggage themselves, yet, for me, just standing by and telling them to do it and get over it, didn't sit well with me. As a mother, I felt I should grow up and be their mother. Not resign myself to letting them do it alone. After all, you don't stop being a mother when your kids hit a certain age. Our kids need us to continue to be mothers. At each stage of their lives, they need a shoulder to cry on, a place for understanding and truth and someone who cares enough to say it out loud.
I don't walk around anymore feeling like I have to help my kids so they will love me. I don't sit around feeling like I will never be good enough. When I decided to repair the relationship with my children, I knew that it was going to be a challenge. I knew that not only were we all pretty dysfunctional to start with, we we all immature. That would mean my kids would be loaded for bear. They would be trying to use whatever means necessary to see if I would fall again. Tests and attitudes would be the norm in the beginning. I knew also that I was vulnerable to running back to my shell of my past. Too scared to face the next test and not sure where it all, was actually going to get me
I knew I wanted it, but was I willing to stand my ground and fight for it? I was.
After the first round of apologies and attempts to make up for it, I realized that I had to move to the next step. The ground standing part. The OK, I have said I am sorry many times. I have allowed you to beat on me, take all I could offer and look at me crazy, now I am finished with that. I will not apologize anymore. I will not be beat on anymore. I have taken the punishment you have dished out. Let's move forward.
That sounded good right? Well, 8 years later it is good. I don't accept any snide remarks anymore and honestly there have not been any. It took each one different amounts of time to accept it and to move on. It took many tears and many hugs. Lots of talking and lots of biting my tongue. Like any good plan, in order for it to work, you have to be moving forward all the time.
Getting where we are today, took years. We started at the bottom and kept looking up. If you are truly working on getting to a good place with your kids, you have to be willing to accept your part of the blame. You have to accept it and then move on. You can't allow blame to stay in the process.
If your children don't want to let go of blaming you, you are at a stalemate. You have to have everyone's cooperation to make it work like mine did. Not pushing is key. Let them make the effort to resolve it. You can only do what YOU can do. They have to participate. My children realized they were grown and as such had to accept who they were and deal with their issues as adults.
My grown children were all willing participants. They wanted a relationship with me as much as I wanted one with them. We craved what we had lost and were, without saying it, ready to begin. One at a time, over lots of time.
I have to always thank God when I look back. The prayers I prayed so many times through the years have been answered. They were answered many times over. I love the relationships I have with them now. I am proud of who they are becoming and hope to live many years to be a part of their lives. I don't live in the guilt anymore.
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